How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky. After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.
It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together. Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:
Set Aside Time for Each Other
Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner. Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.
Make Sex a Priority
Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates. There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex. Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected. Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.
Express Your Gratitude
Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for. Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed. Then, thank him or her sincerely. It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.
Stay Respectful
Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice. You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap. Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry. For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names. These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.
If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long. It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to. While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them. Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.
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Why Crushing is the Best
Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone. Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you. Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”
J. M. Barrie
Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone. Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you. Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.
When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers. Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive. It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.
You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal. Surely, you’d sing in the car together. They don’t seem like the type to cheat. And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.
The possibilities are endless! Imagine the places you could go together. The movies you could snuggle up and watch. The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet. It’s just delicious fantasy.
Crushing is valuable. While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship. Why this person? What is going to be different about this relationship? What are you attracted to? What are you hoping for? These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.
This leads to the next question. What if they don’t like you? Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion. How do you handle that? What’s it like? What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?
These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them. After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter. That’s what makes crushing so great. Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love. Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.
Crushing is unpredictable. There’s no telling how it will really turn out. Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide. You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences. Stay curious about both. When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values. What would you do if you were your best self?
Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person. Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners. Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table. Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational. And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.