How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

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How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Quality time.  Physical touch.  Words of affirmation.  Gifts.  Acts of service.  Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak.  Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners.  Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship.  Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.

Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want?  Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work?  If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place.  I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired.  Keep reading to find out.

Give Examples

Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you.  I mean something you had no idea how to do.  You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions.  If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.).  Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.

Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen.  This is true, partly.  It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them.  However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away.  Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language.  For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.

Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement

Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them.  Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.”  Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language.  Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.

Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is.  Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it.  What are some specific ways your partner can show you love?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.