3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it. Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.
Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody. For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.
Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay. The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not. Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.
Ignore Anxious Thoughts
Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are. Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats. Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.
Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant. You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.
Replace Anxious Thoughts
Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up. First, practice noticing your thoughts more often. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true. For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”
Play Out the Worst Case Scenario
Anxiety loves the “What If” game. “What if I spill my drink?” “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.
Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s. What if you are bored on the date? Will you stay an hour? A half-hour? How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home? When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions. Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.
With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable. Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.
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Making Dating Apps Work For You
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table. When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown. Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019. This year, it’s even hotter.
Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press. Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages. This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front. Like a gamble, it could go either way.
Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date. You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again. When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time. When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.
Choose the Right App
If you want love, you have to look in the right places. A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs. Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink. Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.
Take Advantage of Settings
Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches. Want someone who goes to church? Done. You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more. Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.
Attract What You Want
If you are passionate about something, talk about it. Post pictures that represent who you really are. People with similar interests will notice.
Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online. All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste. If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment. Stay committed. A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.