3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

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The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Trust is quite arguably one of the most important factors in any relationship.  Trust creates feelings of safety, which makes room for vulnerability and a general sense of being able to relax around the other person.  Trust is the antidote to relational anxiety.

Not only does trust mean believing that your partner is loyal, it also means knowing that they have positive intentions in your relationship and that they’re looking out for your best interest.  Trust exists on a continuum and can change, depending on circumstances and the phase of the relationship.  Like love, it has to be built over time.  But what if this isn’t happening for you?  What if you can’t shake that nagging feeling that something is wrong or that your partner is up to no good?  Well, it could mean a number of things.

1) Your partner is actually not trustworthy

If you’ve caught your partner in multiple lies, or if you’re learning they have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, your feelings of distrust might be right on point.  You might feel anxious around your partner because you’re never sure if they’re going to say something hurtful or if they’re actually going to keep a promise they’ve already broken several times.  In this case, look at the evidence.  What have your partner’s previous actions taught you about their probable future behavior, and is it worth sticking around to find out?

2) You’re insecurities are louder than your logic

Insecurity can be deceiving.  It can make you believe that even though your partner has called every time they said they would, introduced you to all their friends, and expressed how much they care about you, they still must be leading you on or secretly sleeping with their ex because no way could they ever truly want someone like you.  Beliefs like this are often subtle, and you might not even be aware you have them.  If you’re finding that you need constant validation or that you’re looking up all their exes on Instagram, ask yourself why.  It could be that you’re having a hard time accepting your partner’s feelings for you because you’re really struggling to accept yourself.

3) Your past

So often, we bring old baggage into new relationships, but it’s natural.  We can’t help it.  We are all made up of a collection of past experiences, so if you grew up learning that others can’t be trusted, or if you were hurt in a former relationship, of course you’re going to carry that around with you.  What’s important is that you recognize your sore spots and when they’re hurting.  Being aware of your triggers can help you recognize when old feelings are coming up, versus when something in your relationship is actually wrong.  Therapy can help you identify these situations, respond to them effectively, and even heal lingering wounds.

4) Your friends

There’s an old episode of Sex and the City in which main character Carrie Bradshaw runs into a friend and his date in a Chinese restaurant while she is on her own date.  Carrie’s friend tells her that he brought his date there because he was ashamed to be out with her, and he didn’t think he’d see anybody he knew at that restaurant.  Instantly, Carrie begins to worry that her date took her there for the same reason.  We later find out that this isn’t the case at all.  Carrie’s date took her there because he loved the food.  Be wary anytime a friend, coworker, family member, or that romantic comedy you streamed on Netflix last week tells you that there is something wrong with your relationship.  Sure, take advice, but take it with a grain of salt.  Your relationship is unique, and the only people who really know what’s going on inside of it are you and your partner.

Determining whether or not you can trust another person is difficult and high-stakes territory.  Know yourself.  Know the difference between a gut feeling and a fear or insecurity, and when in doubt, balance out your emotions with a healthy dose of objectivity.  If you’re worried that your relationship is unhealthy or headed that way, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you determine where these feelings are coming from, whether or not to act on them, and how to do it.