Vulnerability and The Bachelorette: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Too Soon?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods.  The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another.  Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school.  Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him.  The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.

At the age of 39, Clare has made it clear that she is not here to mess around.  Before the season began, Clare stated that she is looking for a man who can let his guard down and be open about his feelings, and by the looks of this Season so far, she isn’t wasting any time.  Clare brings vulnerability to the forefront of both episodes so far, not only during her date with Jason, but also by regularly sharing her emotions and insecurities with the rest of the contestants.  The Bachelorette doesn’t claim to be realistic, and most wouldn’t consider it a reputable form of dating advice.  However, after watching the emotional exchanges between Clare and her suitors over the past two weeks, I feel pretty safe assuming that viewers also in search of love are starting to ask themselves, “Should I be doing this?”

What is Vulnerability?

In order to talk about vulnerability, we must first define what it is.  Brene Brown, the emotional guru whose Ted Talk on vulnerability boasts over 50 million views, defines vulnerability according to its three key elements: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  When you open up to another person, or expose your emotions, you have no sure way of knowing how they will respond.  The interaction could deepen your connection, or the other person could judge you, share your secrets with others, or even leave.  Vulnerability is the key to intimate relationships with others because it allows you to be truly seen.  So does this mean that you should be vulnerable with everybody?  And is there ever such a thing as too much?

Different Levels of Vulnerability

I get the sense that when many people hear the word “vulnerability,” they imagine conversations about their deepest, darkest emotions, followed by a lot of crying, hugging, and gazing into each other’s eyes.  Vulnerability can include any of these things, but it doesn’t have to.  Remember, vulnerability means three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Here are some examples of vulnerability at different levels of intensity:

• Telling your partner the truth when they ask if you had a good day at work

• Sharing a happy memory with your partner

• Telling your partner how you feel when they do something that bothers you (show up late to dinner, keep an ex as a friend on social media, etc.)

• Letting your partner know you have feelings for them

• Giving your honest opinion about something, ranging anywhere from a restaurant you tried to politics or religion

• Sharing a sexual fantasy

• Crying in front of your partner during a sad movie

• Telling your partner what you’re looking for in a relationship

• Pointing out your favorite qualities about your partner

• Letting your partner see you connect with others, such as your family, friends, or even your pet

Vulnerability exists on a spectrum.  Some acts of vulnerability feel like dipping your toe in the pool, while others might remind you more of jumping off the high-dive.

Risks of Vulnerability

Opening up to others can be scary, and rightfully so!  As we go through life, we encounter a wide variety of people, all from different backgrounds and with differing levels of emotional intelligence.  Not all of them are willing or even capable of handling others’ emotions with care.  Getting vulnerable with the wrong person could lead to the following outcomes:

• You receive an invalidating response (“That doesn’t sound that bad.”)

• Your weaknesses get used against you (“I’m not cheating, you’re just insecure.”)

• Your secret gets out

• You get rejected

• You get tuned out (the other person becomes uncomfortable and ignores you or changes the subject)

Yes, vulnerability, by definition, is risky, and while it’s becoming more and more acceptable and even encouraged in today’s society, it is certainly not something to take lightly.

So How Do I Know What to Share and When?

This one is completely up to you.  We know that vulnerability strengthens relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops at once.  A good rule of thumb is to base your level of vulnerability on the amount of trust in a relationship.  For example, if you’re on your first date with someone, you probably don’t have enough information to determine whether or not it’s safe to let your guard down with them.  Sorry, Clare.

To learn whether or not you can trust someone with heavier stories or deeper-level emotions, try disclosing a few less-vulnerable pieces of information first.  Notice how the other person reacts if they ask about your day, and you tell them that it was actually a bit stressful.  Test them out with a lighthearted story about your family, and see if they appear open to learning more about you.  Pay attention to the way they talk about themselves, too.  If you’ve been on multiple dates, and your partner still isn’t telling you anything about their family, obstacles they’ve overcome in the past, or their feelings or opinions on important topics, you might reconsider letting them into your own inner world.

Vulnerability is the secret ingredient to healthy, supportive relationships.  The right amount at the right time can propel your relationship into deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and connectedness.  Too much vulnerability too soon, however, can be uncomfortable and even lead to painful experiences that take a toll on your self-esteem.
I love The Bachelorette, and I think the show can spark great conversations about chemistry and compatibility.  But when it comes to good examples for healthy dating practices, this Season might not be the most reliable source.  Some things are just better off as entertainment.

Related Articles:

Happy Couples Edit

Why Crushing is the Best

Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

Shining a Light on Shame

Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”