How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

Related Articles

How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

You Seem Distant:  Withdrawing in Relationships

Let’s Talk about Sex:  Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life

I’ll Show You:  Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.