Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Going out to eat is supposed to be fun.  It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook.  For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing.  If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.

Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders.  Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance.  Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu.  This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.

Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients.  Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.

Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging.  Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming.  While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be.  To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:

Plan Ahead*

If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time.  Before doing this, take a few deep breaths.  Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?”  You may not know the answer to this question yet.  Just do the best you can.  Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.

You may also want to make an escape plan.  In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.

Eat Mindfully

It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing.  Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites.  Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating.  Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time.  Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!

Consider All Foods Equal

Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out.  When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out.  No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full.  It also knows how to balance out richness and density.  For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime.  Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.

Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders.  Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery.  To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Tending to Pain in Others and Yourself

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Emotional wounds, or deep-seated psychological and emotional pain, can develop in a number of ways.  Some wounds happen immediately, such as after witnessing the death of a friend.  Others develop over time as a result of repeated experiences like parental neglect, unhealthy relationships, and systemic racism.  

Emotional wounds impact the way we perceive and interact with the world around us, yet they can often go undetected, even by ourselves.  Internalizing and externalizing behaviors often show up as a result of emotional pain but to the untrained eye can often be excused as personality traits like shyness or aggression.  Instead of dismissing or shaming ourselves and others, we can learn to recognize the following four symptoms as alarm bells signaling the existence of pain and the need for healing.

Resentment

Imagine you have plans to meet a friend for coffee at 4pm.  It’s 3:45, and she texts you saying she’s going to be late because she’s stuck in traffic.  Immediately, the boiling feeling of anger washes over you and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how to plan effectively, does she?  How immature.”  That’s resentment.

While resentment may easily be mistaken for a bad attitude, it could be a sign of pain below the surface.  When examined more closely, anger about a friend being late to a get-together might be related to feelings of loneliness caused by your mother being late to pick you up from school each day, or maybe you were repeatedly shamed for being late as a child, causing you a great deal of embarrassment.

Retreat

While alone-time can be a great way to recharge, especially for introverts, ongoing social withdrawal is a telltale sign of depression and can also be associated with anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and addiction.  Next time you feel like cancelling plans or turning down an invite, ask yourself why.  If you notice friends beginning to retreat, get curious about their reasons.  They could be struggling emotionally.  Also, remember that it is often painful and possibly even retraumatizing for people from marginalized groups to be in spaces where nobody else shares a similar identity.

Lashing Out

When we experience trauma, our brains enter fight, flight, or freeze mode.  Repeated trauma can cause our brains and bodies to get “stuck” in fight mode, therefore causing verbal and physical combativeness as a form of self-protection.  What one might perceive as a relatively small or insignificant event can trigger a trauma response, therefore resulting in what can seem like a disproportionate reaction.  For instance, a person who lost a friend in a car accident might exhibit an explosive amount of road rage after being cut off by another driver on the highway.

Demands

To an emotionally wounded person, making demands can seem like the only way to achieve a desired outcome.  In certain situations, this is healthy and necessary, such as when an oppressed group of people demands justice and fair treatment.  At other times, making demands can be harmful.  For instance, if you were cheated on in a past relationship, demanding that your partner let you go through his or her phone will likely cause trouble without doing much to resolve past hurts.  Either way, demands are often responses to emotional pain and fear of further suffering.

Caring for Emotional Wounds

Like physical wounds, emotional wounds tend to heal over time when properly treated.  When left unrecognized, they can fester, resulting in broken relationships and continuation or deepening of pain.  Talking about emotional wounds can be difficult, and ignoring our pain can be a seductive alternative, but like physical wounds, the only way to heal an emotional wound is to notice it, ask for help, and clean it out.

Although it can feel scary, asking friends how they are doing if you’ve noticed the behaviors above might be exactly what they need.  Having someone see their struggles can feel like a huge relief and lift the burden of them having to come to you.  Like when you make yourself available for a friend, naming your own pain is a way to give yourself compassion and practice self-care.  If you are struggling with difficult emotions, get curious about them.  Ask yourself where they might be coming from and if there is an even deeper root to them.

Often, when someone is facing painful emotions, advice and reassurance are not as helpful as the simple act of listening.  If you are seeking to be an ally or support somebody going through a difficult time, refrain from giving your opinion or offering solutions.  Instead, listen with compassion and express a genuine interest in learning more about the other person’s experience.  If you are the person in pain, allow others to hear you, even if they don’t have all the right answers.  A burden feels lighter when you aren’t carrying it alone.

There are certain situations in which action is necessary.  Some examples include dismantling systemic racism and getting out of an abusive relationship.  After allowing friends to share their experiences with you, ask them what you are able to do to help.  When working to heal your own emotional wounds, ask yourself what action steps you need to take and what friends and other people you trust can do to support you.

The Power of Time

Many emotional wounds were not developed in a day, and likewise, they will take time to heal.  As you venture down the path of healing your own emotional wounds or supporting friends as they navigate their own, practice patience and compassion.  Manage your expectations of the healing process by acknowledging that healing is not linear.  Go easy on yourself and others when imperfections arise.  Most importantly, celebrate the small victories, believing that eventually, they will amount to progress much greater than you ever thought possible.

Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.