An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.

Dear High School Seniors: An Open Letter to the Class of 2020 from a Mental Health Counselor

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dear High School Seniors,

This is the time you have been waiting for.  It’s warming up outside, and the days are getting longer.  Both are signs that the end of the school year is drawing near.  This May marks the 10-year anniversary since I graduated high school, and I still remember the excitement of looking out a classroom window, knowing that soon, I would be free.

I also remember the spring sports.  Going to high school baseball games felt extra fun when I knew my foot was halfway out the door.

I remember prom dress shopping, and of course, the prom, itself.  Like I was, I know many of you have been dreaming of prom since you were kids.

Graduation, although long and hot, was a rite of passage.  It almost felt like I left a different person than who I was when I arrived.

I know you, graduating class of 2020, have been longing for these experiences, along with senior barbeques, senior pranks, and senior trips, since not only the beginning of this year, but since the beginning of high school, if not the beginning of your entire school career.  Never did you think that the senior year experience you’d been counting down to would disappear, seemingly in a matter of days, because of a global pandemic.

You might be feeling angry, grumbling, “It’s not fair,” under your breath.

Maybe you’re sad, knowing that the end-of-year memories you counted on making with your best friends are no longer an option.

Maybe you’re scared, wondering how the state of the economy will affect your financial aid for college or your entry into the workforce.

I’m willing to bet some of you feel hopeless.  Maybe college was your chance for a fresh start or an escape from a less-than-ideal living situation, and now you’re not so sure if your plans for this fall are still on.

There’s a lot of pressure right now- to be grateful, to be productive, to somehow stay in control during a situation that is completely out of our control- but I’m not here to tell you any of those things.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to not be okay right now.  It’s okay to feel any of those feelings I mentioned before, along with any others you might be experiencing.  It’s also okay if you’re not feeling much of anything.  Having either very strong or muted emotions during this time doesn’t mean you’re weak or selfish or crazy or broken.  It means you’re human, and you’re grieving, not only for the absence of the people you planned to see for two more months at school, but also for the experiences you thought you’d have.

One of my favorite ways I’ve heard grief described is as the loss of a dream.  That is exactly what is going on right now.  Emotions associated with grief include anything from irritability, despair, anger, and shame to apathy, disbelief, numbness, and even relief.  Other symptoms include difficulty concentrating, decreased or increased energy level, headaches, feeling like you don’t belong, over/underachieving, seeking more attention, and so many more (seriously, Google it).  Grief symptoms also might change rapidly, causing you to feel scattered or confused by your own emotions and behavior.

A common belief is that everybody experiences grief differently.  While it is true that everybody experiences grief symptoms at different levels and in a different order, people who are grieving often have more in common than they realize.

I encourage you, at this time, to accept whatever it is you might be feeling without judgment.  Take some time to sit with your feelings.  Get to know them.  Journal about them.  And when you’re ready, talk about them with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.

I see you, high school seniors of 2020, and I am grieving with you as I picture myself 10 years ago forgoing the experiences I was lucky enough to have.  Be with yourselves, allowing yourself to witness your own pain, and be with each other in spirit by connecting and supporting one another from afar.  As you pioneer this crisis, being the first to ever experience a senior year of this kind, remember- you are doing better than you know.

Warmly,

Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.

Is Social Media Ruining your Social Distancing Experience?

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Social media:  good or evil? The battle is nothing new.  What is new is that now, for the first time, users are engaging in social media while practicing social distancing, away from the outside world.

During this unprecedented time, one could argue that social media is more important than ever.  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat connect us to friends and family members that we might otherwise be separated from.  Coronavirus memes help us use humor to cope with a troubling situation. Online discussions about our hobbies, interests, the latest TV shows (Tiger King, anyone?) remind us that although we are apart, we still have so much in common.  

Professionals and even celebrities have also been using social media in creative and helpful ways.  Artists, such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, John Legend, and Billie Eilsih, have used Instagram to perform live streams and connect with their fans.  Likewise, yoga teachers, counselors, dieticians, and doctors hold classes and workshops, via social media, to help followers stay physically and mentally healthy during quarantine. In a world where we’ve been advised to stay in our respective homes, social media gives us an avenue to remain together in spirit and access resources that can be incredibly useful.

While the positive aspects of social media during this time are undeniable, like anything, it can be harmful in excess- especially now.  Social media has a way of keeping us engaged. Most of us are familiar with the experience of innocently logging into Facebook to check our messages and finding ourselves, an hour later, watching videos of puppies or clicking through pictures of somebody we haven’t seen in ten years.  This can feel like a waste of time at best, and at worst, cause us to procrastinate important tasks. Couple perceived wasted time with the seemingly-endless posts you’re likely to come across about “staying productive” during quarantine, and you’ve fixed yourself a dangerous cocktail of possible self-criticism and even shame.

It’s no secret that social media can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.  Anytime we peer into the lives of others, we risk the possibility of unhealthy comparisons.  Now, however, we are viewing social media in the absence of exposure to the real world. We have lost the majority of our opportunities to go outside and see what the average person looks like.  Instead, we see more carefully-selected, and often Photoshopped or Face Tuned, photographs taken from flattering angles. Friends haven’t stopped Snapchatting pictures of their Quarantine Cuties, but now, singles no longer have the ability to go to social gatherings in the hope of meeting their own special someone.  Because of the Coronavirus, our worlds have all grown smaller, and if used without caution, social media can make it easier than ever for our perceptions of ourselves to become negatively skewed.

Am I suggesting that everybody give up social media for the rest of the quarantine?  No. I am not. Instead, I encourage you to practice mindfulness around your usage. If you are noticing increased anxiety, depression, or negative self-talk after spending time on social media, consider limiting how much time you spend online per day.  Reduce your temptation to constantly log on by turning off your notifications. Unfollow accounts that lead you to comparison, as well as those that spike your anxiety (many people report heightened anxiety after seeing social media posts about the Coronavirus, itself).  Also, consider the content that you are posting. If you find yourself posting selfies in hopes of accumulating likes to increase your self-esteem, you might actually be worsening it. Now might also be a time to question the helpfulness of controversial posts that frequently lead to online arguments.

Most importantly, check in with yourself.  Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations while using social media.  Trust yourself. If you experience self-bullying, feelings of hopelessness, tightness in your chest, or similar experiences, it may be time to rethink whether or not social media is serving you at this time.

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.