How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky. After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.
It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together. Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:
Set Aside Time for Each Other
Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner. Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.
Make Sex a Priority
Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates. There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex. Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected. Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.
Express Your Gratitude
Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for. Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed. Then, thank him or her sincerely. It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.
Stay Respectful
Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice. You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap. Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry. For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names. These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.
If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long. It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to. While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them. Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.
Related Articles:
How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want? Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place. I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired. Keep reading to find out.
Give Examples
Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you. I mean something you had no idea how to do. You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions. If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.). Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.
Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen. This is true, partly. It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them. However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away. Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language. For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.
Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement
Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them. Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.” Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language. Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.
Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is. Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it. What are some specific ways your partner can show you love? Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
Related Articles
3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters