Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.

Asking for Help: Taking a Mental Trust Fall

I watched helplessly as the flood waters rose.  Panicking, my husband and I tried to barricade certain areas of our apartment with anything absorbent.  Towels. Old clothes. Spare bed sheets. We tried to bail out as much water as we could, which was really only effective in reducing the helplessness we felt versus actually making an impact on the rising water.

If you live in the Midwest you know about the torrential downpours that appear out of nowhere, dumping down on everything in sight.  It happens a handful of times a year and if you don’t actually get caught in one of these storms they can be pretty cool to watch. On this night, however, it was pure hell and high water.

The hours ticked by into the early morning as we dealt with the clean up, but we knew that there was going to be damage to our home.  The next 48 hours were spent in some denial of the amount of damage until we got the news that the hardwood floors needed to be ripped up and about 2 feet of drywall around our apartment needed to be cut out to avoid any mold forming.  This meant that we were out of a home for the foreseeable future...Crap!

This was the time to call on my support system, both for emotional support and physical...because we needed somewhere to live for the month.  This is a topic that gets brought up a lot in the therapy room: support systems. What are they? When do I need to use them? How do I form one?  And probably the most difficult part: When I need it, how do I ask for help?

In my case, my husband is the biggest support I have and I’m lucky to have someone I feel comfortable with asking for help.  However, when we are both going through a shit storm we rely on our friends to be there for us. This is often a very vulnerable experience for me.  It’s one thing to ask for a listening ear to air some extra stress, it’s much bigger to ask for a temporary home for a month.

One of my friends put it best: Asking for help is like a mental trust fall. You feel fairly certain that people will be there to catch you, but right before you ask comes the worry. Will they be available? Am I asking too much?  Will they just begrudgingly say yes? 

Setting up a good support system takes time because of how trust is formed.  We form trust by sharing bits about ourselves and seeing how people take it in.  If it goes well, we share more. Once enough trust is formed we can begin to ask for small things of our supporters and increase those asks over time.  Remember: in any relationship give and take is a must, so make sure you’re also available to show up for those in your life when they ask something of you. 

When you ask for help, be yourself.  It’s okay to show your nerves and awkwardness (like me) when you explain the situation.  It’s best to be genuine. Express how you’re feeling, whether it’s wishing you didn’t have to ask, or being grateful to have people in your lives to ask in the first place.  Be direct instead of beating around the bush. Don’t hint at what you need. If you just need to be heard, ask for it. If you need a place to stay for a month, ask for it. And of course, express all of your appreciation for their support.

As I deal with the aftermath of this flood, I realize that I know people are there to support me and my husband.  Even though I know that, it hasn’t made it any easier to actually ask for the help we need. It really is like standing with your back toward a group of people and falling, hoping that they will catch you.  I’m grateful that so far, that has been the case with this crisis. Next time you’re in need of help, take a deep breath and fall back on your support system. Even though it’s scary and takes a lot of trust, it’s worth it to have the support.